We all have a story.
We all come to a point where we break down and say, "It ends here. I can't go on. There is nothing for me to live for."
But there is news. Our story goes on.
Our past is behind us. A shadow.
We can do no more to change it, wish it away, or relive what we've done.
That door is closed now.
Our future is waiting.
I dare you to take the first step.
Lord,
I cannot speak, I cannot write, I can only “be” with you. Anything else takes away. When I pray, I cannot get any further than saying Your name - for these things, and this battle over my heart and life is too much for me.
The Holy Spirit intercedes for me, praying for the things my heart and soul cannot put into words or any human form of expression.
I can’t handle this, Lord. This is Yours. This is too great for me.
You are greater.
Today was one of the hardest days for me. No joke, I was a complete emotional wreck all day, having a sleep over with my “sister”, and having to say goodbye to her, and having to try to not break down. We both broke down at the end when we hugged, and I just couldn’t handle it. I still can’t handle it.
Then my very close friend who is so dear to me came by with her dad, and I tried to not appear lost. I thought, maybe I can hold it together. Then she hugged me, and I could feel myself breaking apart again. Why do I have to do this - two people who are SO important to me in the same day having to go through this.
I was still and unable to fully complete my thoughts, when my ex-best friend came by with his parents. It still confusing to me, I’m not sure how I feel about that one. I was just so distraught and a wreck and just non-responsive, that he just came and hugged me.
God has allowed me to know such amazing people, and somehow I’ve made an impact on some of them who I never even expected that I was making an impact on them in the first place. I knew this whole process was beginning when two of my girls whom I love SO much hung around after youth group and then began sobbing on my shoulder about how much they would miss me and how they are a better person for getting to know me. I didn’t expect it to hurt this much, I thought I could save all my tears for when I was in NH, far away from the people who I had to be strong for. As usual, I was wrong.
Home is where the heart is, but I know I’m leaving part of my heart here and taking part of their hearts with me.
I am utterly heartbroken.
A lot of my ministry is embracing your brokenness, and how God wishes for us to, but I can’t do that right now. I just can’t.
In such a different way, I am so broken.
Lord.
Have you ever had your heart broken by something bigger than you?
That seems to be me right now. Today was great - and a couple hours ago it hit me like a ton of bricks. The burden on my heart, that is.
He’s broken my heart for this thing He wants me to know about.. and not just know about, but to do something with my knowledge, to take action somehow.
It looks like I’m not able to go to bed until I figure this out. The weight of it all is too heavy, and I feel God’s calling. It’s a feeling I’ve become very familiar with.
What do You want me to do, God, with all of this? Once again You have enlightened me, given me a vision, burdened me with the cries of your people. This knowledge, this perception, this heart, these eyes You’ve given me at times are the hardest gift to understand and carry. I feel all alone in my burdens - why have You given me this insight just for me to always feel different from others?
Show me, God. Because I can only go so far on my own. What do You want of me, Lord? I am here, and I am clay in Your hands. Lead me, because I can not live a day, an hour, a minute without You in control of my life. I know You want something done. Show me, God. Show me.
You know what bothers me?
What bothers me is that you aren’t in love with this one - you weren’t in love with the last one either, where you? You’re in love with the idea of having someone to love.
What bothers me is that you’ve done nothing but broken your promises, and I am still here trying to keep mine. Why is that? At what point to I throw up my hands and stop putting myself out there for you, when you aren’t even aware of whats going on around you.
At what point do I stop caring what happens to you?
What bothers me is there is so much more to this life - so much more that you aren’t understanding. You have so much potential, and to be honest, you are throwing it away. You live for other people, you are mediocre in your relationship with God, not trying and just expecting it to just come when it’s time.
What bothers me is that you don’t understand any of this that I’m telling you. You don’t get it. You WON’T get it.
What bothers me is the fact that I still care. Not the kind of caring that you want, but the kind of caring that you need. The kind of caring that is there for you, with a lot of tough love stuck in there for your sake regardless if you understand or not.
I wish I didn’t.
But I do. Because God has put you in my path, and in my past, and I’m left asking why.
God, guide my steps, because I’m lost without You.
Ahh this reminds me of girls bible study so much.
